Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on Gifts From His Grandpa)

“One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids. Then he said to us, ‘Now, you two share.’"—American comedian Steven Wright quoted by Brad Wheeler, “Wright's Stand-Up Delivers on Deadpan One-Liners,” The Globe and Mail (Toronto), Jan. 31, 2010

(Photo of Steven Wright after a spring 1994 performance in Cohen Auditorium at Tufts University.)

Joke of the Day (Rodney Dangerfield, on Father-Son Christmas Gift-Giving)

“For Christmas I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bull’s-eye on the back.” —American stand-up comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004), quoted in Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons, from the Editors of Reader's Digest (2011)