Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on the First Clock)

“How long did it take to make the first clock? No one will ever know.”—American stand-up comic and actor Steven Wright, quoted by Jason Zinoman, “A Failure to Connect Can Be Awfully Funny,” The New York Times, Apr. 6, 2024

TV Quote of the Day (Steven Wright, With Love for ‘The Stones’)

“The Stones—I love the Stones. I can’t believe they’re still doing it after all these years. I watch them whenever I can—Fred and Barney.”— Stand-up comic Steven Wright, appearance on Saturday Night Live, Apr. 16, 1983

Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on Gifts From His Grandpa)

“One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids. Then he said to us, ‘Now, you two share.’"—American comedian Steven Wright quoted by Brad Wheeler, “Wright's Stand-Up Delivers on Deadpan One-Liners,” The Globe and Mail (Toronto), Jan. 31, 2010

(Photo of Steven Wright after a spring 1994 performance in Cohen Auditorium at Tufts University.)

Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on How He Reminisces)

“I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.”—Stand-up comic Steven Wright quoted by Jason Zinoman, “Deadpan Humor Ripens Into a Novel,” The New York Times, May 17, 2023

Joke of the Day (Comic Steven Wright, on Why He Needs His Own Baby Monitor)

“I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.” — Stand-up comic Steven Wright quoted in Peter Keepnews, “A Strange Career Takes an Odd Turn,” The New York Times, Feb. 10, 2008

Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on Math and His Anxiety)

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.” — Stand-up comic Steven Wright, quoted in “The Age-Old Problem,” Reader’s Digest, December 2015

(Photo of Steven Wright after a spring 1994 performance in Cohen Auditorium at Tufts University.)

Quote of the Day (Comic Steven Wright, on ‘Breakfast at Any Time’)

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”—Stand-up comic Steven Wright, quoted in “Laugh Lines,” Reader’s Digest, April 2014

(Photo of Steven Wright after a spring 1994 performance in Cohen Auditorium at Tufts University.)

Quote of the Day (Comic Steven Wright, on His ‘Speed-Reading Accident’)

“I was in a speed-reading accident….I hit a bookmark.”—Stand-up comic Steven Wright quoted in Jason Zinoman, “Headwaters for a River of Stand-Up,” The New York Times, May 1, 2014

Quote of the Day (Comic Steven Wright, Defining ‘Walking Distance’)

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”—Comic Steven Wright quoted in Jason Zinoman, “Headwaters for a River of Stand-Up,” The New York Times, May 1, 2014

Quote of the Day (Comic Steven Wright, on Why ‘You Can’t Have Everything’)

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”—Stand-up comic Steven Wright, quoted in Jason Zinoman, “Headwaters for a River of Stand-Up,” The New York Times, May 1, 2014

(Photo of Steven Wright after a spring 1994 performance in Cohen Auditorium at Tufts University.)

Quote of the Day (Comic Steven Wright, on His Dog)

“I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.” – Stand-up comic Steven Wright, quoted in “50 Surprising Reasons We Love America,” Reader’s Digest, July 2013

(Photo of Steven Wright after a spring 1994 performance in Cohen Auditorium at Tufts University.)

Quote of the Day (Comic Steven Wright, on Bacteria)

“Support bacteria —they're the only culture some people have.” —Attributed to stand-up comedian Steven Wright