Joke of the Day (Edwin Newman, on a Method for Dealing with Rainy Weather)

“These are The Times that dry men’s soles.”—TV newscaster and language maven Edwin Newman (1919-2010), on using newspapers to absorb moisture from wet shoes, quoted by Margalit Fox, “Edwin Newman, 91, Newsman, Defender of English and Partisan of Puns, Is Dead,” The New York Times, Sept. 16, 2010

I loved this pun anyway, but using it in this space felt mandatory today, considering that this is the third straight day of prolonged precipitation up by me in the Northeast.

Joke of the Day (Tina Fey, on a New Form of Plastic Surgery)

“There's a new procedure I'm doing a lot where they freeze your fat off you, then make it into a whipped dessert, and you eat it again.” — American actress and screenwriter Tina Fey, quoted by Dan Snierson, “Tina and Amy Boss Us Around (And You Love It!)”, Entertainment Weekly, Dec. 20, 2013

Joke of the Day (Oscar Levant, on His Morning Routine)

“First I brush my teeth and then I sharpen my tongue.”—American pianist, actor, author, and savage wit Oscar Levant (1905-1972), asked about his morning routine, quoted by Erskine Johnson, “Erskine Johnson’s Hollywood Today,” Santa Cruz Evening News, Sept. 26, 1940

Joke of the Day (Emo Phillips, on Him and Technology)

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”—American stand-up comic and actor Emo Phillips in “Quotes on Technology,” Reader’s Digest, June 2009

Maybe true back in 2009. But if the edge lords of today’s tech world have anything to say in the matter (and they will, they will), you can bet that they’ll be crowing about the athletic ability of their latest AI-driven projects before long—even promoting a Computer Olympics.

(The image accompanying this post, of Emo Phillips opening for Weird Al Yankovic at the Apollo Theater, was taken on Mar. 22, 2018, by slgckgc.)

Joke of the Day (Fred Allen, on One Man’s Object of Affection)

“The last time I saw him, he was walking down Lover’s Lane, holding his own hand.”—Irish-American radio comedian Fred Allen (1894-1956), quoted by Ivan G. Shreve Jr., “ ‘If Frank Fay Were Acid, He Would Have Consumed Himself’ – Fred Allen,” Thrilling Days of Yesteryear blog, May 2, 2017

It’s said that when the Irish deliver an insult to someone they know well, it’s often a form of endearment. But such was not the case stateside when Fred Allen lobbed this verbal grenade at fellow Irish-American comic Frank Fay.

Fay certainly has a place in entertainment history as the actor who played gentle tippler Elwood P. Dowd in the original 1944 Broadway production of Harvey, and before that as the prototypical stand-up monologuist.

But even in show business, an industry with no shortage of egotists, Fay’s self-regard was thought far beyond the norm. And he was especially scorned as a philanderer and alcoholic who abused his first wife, the rising and highly admired Hollywood star Barbara Stanwyck.

I try to source any quote used here on this blog, but I had a tougher time than usual doing so with this one. (There is a variation on it, by the way: the title of the post that Shreve wrote for his blog.) But I did see the quote used in the Madison State Journal back in October 1960, a year before Fay’s death at age 69, and from all that I have read there seems little doubt that Allen loathed Fay.

I thought of this quote as a rather cynical prelude to Valentine’s Day. No doubt there are many who, as Allen said, are more than happy to stroll down Lover’s Lane by themselves. I’m sure you can think of one such person. So can I. A hint: the right hand that fellow will be holding is probably smeared with heavy beige makeup meant to camouflage questions about why it looks so bruised all the time.

Joke of the Day (Bill Hicks, Comparing the Intelligence of Children and Adults)

“Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full-time job and children.”—American stand-up comic and satirist Bill Hicks (1961-1994) quoted by Brent DeBoer, “From the Desk of the Dandy Warhols’ Brent DeBoer,” Magnet Magazine, June 9, 2012 

Joke of the Day (Brian Kiley, on His Dad’s Cotton Allergy)

“My dad’s allergic to cotton. He has some pills for it, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.”—Stand-up comic Brian Kiley quoted by Melonie Magruder, “Comedy Review,” The Los Angeles Times, Nov. 4, 2009

Too bad pill bottles aren't this big!

Joke of the Day (Jon Stewart, on ‘The Will of the People’)

"You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena." — Comic Jon Stewart, quoted by Mark Dawidziak and Ted Crow, “Jon Stewart Blurs the Lines Between Jester and Journalist,” The Cleveland Plain Dealer, Apr. 11, 2009

For my younger readers (both of them!) and for older ones who’ve blessedly expunged certain trends from their memory, the Macarena was a dance sparked by a pop hit of 1993. Delegates even went wild for it at the 1996 Democratic Convention, believe it or not.

These days, a dance associated with politics dates from further back—the late Seventies hit “YMCA”—and the person moving improbably to it these days began segueing into the public consciousness in that decade, too.

Joke of the Day (Michael Palascak, on What He Should Have Learned As an English Major)

“I was an English major when I was in college. I didn't get a lot of job interviews, being an English major. I should have seen that coming. Foreshadowing.”—Stand-up comic Michael Palascak, Comedy Central special, Nov. 6, 2019

Joke of the Day (George Carlin, on Talking to Himself)

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” — American stand-up comic and actor George Carlin (1937-2008), A Modern Man: The Best of George Carlin (2021)

Joke of the Day (John McDowell, on Two Close-Sounding Words)

“If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living."—Comedian John McDowell, quoted in “Laughter: The Best Medicine,” Reader’s Digest, January 2014

Yet one more good reason to pay attention in English class, folks!

Joke of the Day (Greg Davies, on a Local Swimming Pool)

“A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.”—Welsh actor and comedian Greg Davies quoted in “Laughter the Best Medicine,” Reader’s Digest, August 2015

The image accompanying this post, of Greg Davies at the Taskmaster S17 World Premiere in NYC, 2024, was taken Mar. 26, 2024, by Philip Romano.

Joke of the Day (Rita Rudner, on Prime Male Candidates for Marriage)

“Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage—they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”—American stand-up comic Rita Rudner quoted by Lawrence Christon, in “Comedy Review: Rita Rudner Is Svelte, Pretty, Original American Princess,” Los Angeles Times, Feb. 5, 1988

Joke of the Day (Victoria Shulevich, on a Benefit of Pilates)

“No matter what life throws at you, always keep one foot on the ground like a pink flamingo and your head buried in the sand like an ostrich. This may sound impossible, but you can do it if you practice Pilates.”— Humorist and essayist Victoria Shulevich, “Shouts and Murmurs: Life Advice with Animal Analogies,” The New Yorker, Nov. 11, 2024

This accompanying image of a Pilates training session was taken Aug. 20, 2024, by ikorpilates. 

I must admit that my first thought upon seeing this was that it was some kind of human physiology class. My second thought was that the individual who’s the focus of attention would be me after one Pilates maneuver too many.

Joke of the Day (Paula Poundstone, on Kids Being Asked What They Want to be When They Grow Up)

“The reason adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up is that they're looking for ideas.”—American stand-up comic Paula Poundstone quoted by Deborah Stea, “Off the Shelf: How to Get a Job, Even One That Suits Your Psyche,” The New York Times, Dec. 3, 1995

Joke of the Day (Wendy Liebman, on Dating a Doctor)

“I dated a doctor once. Ear, nose, throat and ankle. I didn’t know how to break up with him, so I just ate an apple a day.” —Stand-up comic Wendy Liebman quoted by Melonie Magruder, “Comedy Review,” The Los Angeles Times, Nov. 4, 2009

Joke of the Day (Tina Fey, on How Her ‘Restless Leg Tour’ Differed From ‘SNL’)

“This really feels just like S.N.L. Except that we will be in bed by 10. And I don’t have to go to a weird Tuesday night dinner with Lorne Michaels and Rudy Giuliani.” — American actress, comedian, writer, and producer Tina Fey, on her “Restless Leg Tour” with Amy Poehler,  quoted by Jason Zinoman, “Between Friends, an Endless Barrage of Jokes,” The New York Times, Feb. 10, 2024

I wonder how late Fey and Poehler had to stay up in the week before the SNL 50^th anniversary special?

Well, at least she didn’t have to attend dinner with the one-time “America’s Mayor.” Which brings up the question: which was weirder—a dinner conversation with Giuliani or the fact that so many once did consider him “America’s Mayor”?

(The image accompanying this post, showing Amy Poehler and Tina Fey at the premiere of Baby Mama in New York City at the 2008 Tribeca Film Festival, was taken Apr. 23, 2008, by David Shankbone.)

Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on the First Clock)

“How long did it take to make the first clock? No one will ever know.”—American stand-up comic and actor Steven Wright, quoted by Jason Zinoman, “A Failure to Connect Can Be Awfully Funny,” The New York Times, Apr. 6, 2024

Joke of the Day (George Carlin, on ‘Things Better Left Unsaid’)

“I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”—American stand-up comic George Carlin (1937-2008), Brain Droppings (1997)

Joke of the Day (Morgan Cutolo, With a Resolution for the New Year)

“My resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.”— Freelance journalist Morgan Cutolo, “52 New Year’s Jokes That Will Have You Laughing into 2024,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 28, 2023