Joke of the Day (George Carlin, on Talking to Himself)

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” — American stand-up comic and actor George Carlin (1937-2008), A Modern Man: The Best of George Carlin (2021)

Joke of the Day (George Carlin, on ‘Things Better Left Unsaid’)

“I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”—American stand-up comic George Carlin (1937-2008), Brain Droppings (1997)

TV Quote of the Day (George Carlin, on ‘The Mystery of the Supermarket’)

“You know the nice thing about putting things back in the supermarket, when you return an item— you know where you put it, don’t you? You put it anywhere you want! They expect that. ‘Eh, put it anywhere, Marge.’ They don’t care, they don’t give a shit. They have guys who straighten that out—guys with purple fingers come around at midnight. In the morning everything is back. It’s the mystery of the supermarket.”—American stand-up comic and actor George Carlin (1937-2008), “George Carlin at USC,” originally aired Apr. 8, 1977, on HBO

TV Quote of the Day (George Carlin, on the Differences Between Football and Baseball)

“There are things about the words surrounding football and baseball, which give it all away:

“Football is technological; baseball is pastoral.

“Football is played in a stadium; baseball is played in the park.

“In football, you wear a helmet; in baseball, you wear a cap.

“Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid, and every one of them is the same size; baseball is played on an ever-widening angle that reaches to infinity, and every park is different!

“Football is rigidly timed; baseball has no time limit, we don’t know when it’s gonna end! We might even have extra innings!

“In football, you get a penalty; in baseball, you make an error – whoops!

“The object in football is to march downfield and penetrate enemy territory, and get into the end zone; in baseball, the object is to go home! ‘I’m going home!’

“And, in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense; in baseball, they have… the sacrifice.”—American stand-up comic George Carlin (1937-2008), guest-host monologue, Saturday Night Live, Season 1, Episode 1, original air date Oct. 11, 1975

The NFL preseason starts in only two weeks, but it might as well have begun already, judging from the chatter on sports talk radio.

You know what I say to football? Go away! Let us baseball fans enjoy our game while we can. As Mr. Carlin recognized, it’s a far gentler game—one that we need.

Joke of the Day (George Carlin, on Boxing)

“Don't you think it's funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?”—American comedian George Carlin (1937-2008), Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

Joke of the Day (George Carlin, on Airport Announcements and Evel Knievel)

“About this time [during airport announcements], someone is telling you to get on the plane. ‘Get on the plane. Get on the plane.’ I say, ‘F--- you, I'm getting IN the plane! IN the plane! Let Evel Knievel get ON the plane! I'll be in here with you folks in uniform! There seems to be less WIND in here!’"—American stand-up comic George Carlin (1937-2008), George Carlin: Jammin' in New York, original air date Apr. 25, 1992, directed by Rocco Urbisci

I heard a slight variation on this joke on vacation two months ago, while visiting the National Comedy Center in southwestern New York. (This museum, which only opened earlier this year, is in Jamestown, the town in which Lucille Ball lived as a child. It is well worth your visit—and well worth a future blog post from yours truly.)

The joke reminded me of the shrewd attention to language nuances by George Carlin. Mentally, I filed it away for future use. It turns out to segue nicely into my brief consideration of daredevil Evel Knievel, born on this date 80 years ago in Butte, Mont. 

If you came of age in the late Sixties to late Seventies, as I did, you couldn’t have turned on your TV set without witnessing some outlandish stunt or other by this showman. His first--performing wheelies, crashing through plywood firewalls and jumping over two pick-up trucks at the National Date Festival in Indio, Calif.—was a big success, but comparatively tame compared with what followed at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas, where he successfully jumped the fountains before crashing (1967); Snake River Canyon at Twin Falls, Idaho (1975); and a crash in a jump over 13 buses at Wembley Stadium in London, England (1975).

A fine interview with Knievel by Pat Jordan shortly before the onetime media sensation died at 69 depicted him as the father of “extreme sports.” It might be easier to think of Knievel as a defier of death, the late 20^th-century link to Harry Houdini. 

Muhammad Ali once humorously billed the daredevil in his mid-‘70s prime as “the white Muhammad Ali.” Indeed, his motorcycle and costume—a white leather costume with red-white-and-blue stars and stripes and a flowing cape, inspired by his friend Liberace—both now reside in the Smithsonian.

Joke of the Day (George Carlin, on Vegetarians)

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”—American stand-up comedian George Carlin (1937-2008), quoted in 3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George Including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty (2015)

Quote of the Day (George Carlin, on an Enduring Grocery Mystery)

“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?”—Stand-up comic George Carlin (1937-2008) quoted in “Laugh Lines,” Reader’s Digest, April 2014