Quote of the Day (Moliere, With a Romantic Young Woman's Notion of Courting)

MAGDELON. “Father, my cousin here will tell you just as well as I that marriage must never come until after the other adventures. A lover, to be agreeable, must know how to utter fine sentiments, breathe from his heart things sweet, tender, and passionate; and his suit must follow the rules. First he must see, in church, or on a walk, or at some public ceremony, the person with whom he falls in love; or else be fatally taken to her house by a relative or friend, and leave there dreamy and melancholy. For a time he hides his passion from the beloved object, and meanwhile pays her several visits, in which some question of gallantry never fails to be brought up to exercise the wits of the company. Comes the day of the declaration, which should ordinarily be made in some garden walk, while the company has moved on a bit; and this declaration is followed by instant wrath, which shows in our blushes, and which, for a time, banishes the lover from our presence. Then he finds a way to appease us, to accustom us imperceptibly to his talk about his passion, and to draw from us that admission that pains us so. After that come the adventures, the rivals that cross an established inclination, the persecutions of fathers, the jealousies conceived over false appearances, the laments, the despairs, the abductions, and what follows. That is how things are done with elegance; and those are the rules that cannot be dispensed with in proper gallantry. But to come point-blank to the conjugal union, to make love only by making the marriage contract, and to take the romance precisely by the tail! I repeat, Father, nothing could be more mercantile than such a procedure; and just the picture it gives me makes me nauseated.”

GORGIBUS. “What the devil is this jargon I hear? That’s the grand style all right!”— French playwright, actor, and theater manager Jean-Baptiste Poquelin, aka Moliere (1622-1673), The Ridiculous Precieuses, in Tartuffe and Other Plays, translated by Donald Frame (1967)

Joke of the Day (Rita Rudner, on Prime Male Candidates for Marriage)

“Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage—they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”—American stand-up comic Rita Rudner quoted by Lawrence Christon, in “Comedy Review: Rita Rudner Is Svelte, Pretty, Original American Princess,” Los Angeles Times, Feb. 5, 1988

Tweet of the Day (Elizabeth Hackett, on How She Expresses Annoyance With Her Hubby)

“Instead of telling my husband I'm annoyed with him, I'm just gonna put strawberries in a salad.”—Screenwriter Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett), tweet of May 24, 2020

Quote of the Day (John Galsworthy, on the Hypocrisy of a Loveless Marriage)

“Most people would consider such a marriage as that of Soames and Irene [Forsyte] quite fairly successful; he had money, she had beauty; it was a case for compromise. There was no reason why they should not jog along, even if they hated each other. It would not matter if they went their own ways a little so long as the decencies were observed — the sanctity of the marriage tie, of the common home, respected. Half the marriages of the upper classes were conducted on these lines: Do not offend the susceptibilities of Society; do not offend the susceptibilities of the Church. To avoid offending these is worth the sacrifice of any private feelings. The advantages of the stable home are visible, tangible, so many pieces of property; there is no risk in the status quo. To break up a home is at the best a dangerous experiment, and selfish into the bargain.” —Nobel Prize-winning English novelist and playwright John Galsworthy (1867-1933), The Man of Property (1906), Part I of The Forsyte Saga (1922)

With June being the month for weddings, I felt the urge to write about marriage—but somehow, couldn’t resist writing about the unsuccessful kind.

In literature, few are as calamitous as the one between “man of property” Soames Forsyte and the alluring, aloof young woman who, despite her overwhelming misgivings about their difference in temperament, yields to his marriage proposal, Irene Heron. Their misalliance leads to adultery, scandal, death, and even complications in the following generation.

Every generation or so, it seems, has to rediscover John Galsworthy and his magnum opus about upper middle class Britain and its conventional (and continually violated) pieties.

Even by the time of his death, Galsworthy—who himself defied convention by conducting an affair with (and subsequently marrying) the wife of a cousin—was coming to be regarded as out of step with literary modernism.

That Forsyte Woman, the 1949 MGM adaptation of The Man of Property with Greer Garson as Irene and a cast-against-type Errol Flynn as the emotionally constricted Soames, reminded a mass audience of his work.

But the 26-episode 1967 BBC adaptation spurred sales that even exceeded what Galsworthy enjoyed in his lifetime.

Another miniseries, from 2002, starring Damien Lewis and Gina McKee as the mismatched couple, brought Galsworthy’s work to a wide audience yet again.

I find fascinating not only the debates about the relative merits of the latter two adaptations, but also in viewers’ perceptions of Irene’s responsibility for the collapse of the marriage. Even 20 years ago, to my astonishment, many were unsympathetic to her situation (even Soames’ assault on her when she declines his advances).

Evidently, certain notions about keeping up appearances did not go out the late Victorian Era.

(The image accompanying this post comes from the 1967 adaptation, with Eric Porter and Soames and Nyree Dawn Porter as Irene. Physically, Nyree Dawn Porter—no relation, incidentally, to Eric—is a closer fit to what Galsworthy had in mind for her character than McKee: “The gods had given Irene dark brown eyes and golden hair, that strange combination, provocative of men's glances. The full soft pallor of her neck and shoulders, above a gold-colored frock, gave to her personality an alluring strangeness.")

Tweet of the Day (@mommajessiec, on Her Hubby’s Tragic Error)

“Prayers for my husband who very tragically got me nothing for our anniversary when I specifically told him I wanted nothing for our anniversary.” —@mommajessiec, tweet of Sept. 27, 2020

TV Quote of the Day (‘All in the Family,’ As Archie Rushes a Wedding)

[Edith Bunker has invited residents from the Sunshine Home where she volunteers to 704 Houser Street, for an elderly couple’s wedding. Her husband Archie is rushing the ceremony so he can dash off on a weekend fishing trip with his friend Barney.]

Reverend Schaeffer [played by Will Mackenzie]: “Mr. Bunker, this is the form for the solemnization of marriage.”

Archie Bunker [played by Carroll O’Connor]: “We don’t want the long form. That’s only for young people who are strong enough to stand up for a half hour listening. This couple’s gonna have to take a nap in five minutes.”—All in the Family, Season 8, Episode 6, “Unequal Partners,” original air date Oct. 23, 1977, teleplay by Chuck Stewart and Ben Starr, directed by Paul Bogart

Movie Quote of the Day (‘Better Living Through Chemistry,’ on the Fate of the Trophy Wife)

Elizabeth Roberts [played by Olivia Wilde]: “I’m just a trophy wife—we don’t age gracefully and die holding our husband’s hand in a nursing home. We get replaced!”— Better Living Through Chemistry (2014), written and directed by Geoff Moore and David Posamentier 

TV Quote of the Day (‘Alfred Hitchcock Presents,’ In Which The Master of Suspense Compares Examples of Perfection)

[Introduction. Alfred Hitchcock is in an armchair with a side table next to him, wearing a Sherlock Holmes cap, and smoking bubbles—yes, bubbles— out of a pipe.]

Alfred Hitchcock: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and Dr. Watson, wherever you are. Tonight's case is, er...”

[blows more bubbles]

Hitchcock: “Tonight's case is called ‘The Perfect Crime.’ I'm not sure who it was who said, ‘A perfect crime is like a perfect marriage—their being perfect depends on your not being caught.’"— Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Season 3, Episode 3, “The Perfect Crime,” originally aired Oct. 20, 1957, teleplay by Stirling Silliphant, based on a story by Ben Ray Redman, directed by Alfred Hitchcock 

Quote of the Day (Washington Irving, on a Man Who Became a ‘Matrimonial Victim’)

“My aunt was a lady of large frame, strong mind, and great resolution; she was what might be termed a very manly woman. My uncle was a thin, puny little man, very meek and acquiescent, and no match for my aunt. It was observed that he dwindled and dwindled gradually away, from the day of his marriage. His wife’s powerful mind was too much for him; it wore him out. My aunt, however, took all possible care of him, had half the doctors in town to prescribe for him, made him take all their prescriptions, willy nilly, and dosed him with physic enough to cure a whole hospital. All was in vain. My uncle grew worse and worse the more dosing and nursing he underwent, until in the end he added another to the long list of matrimonial victims, who have been killed with kindness.” — American fiction writer, biographer and diplomat Washington Irving (1783-1859), “The Adventure of My Aunt,” in The Complete Tales of Washington Irving, edited by Charles Neider (1975)

TV Quote of the Day (‘Gilmore Girls,’ on Jennifer Lopez, Once and Future Wedding Maven)

“Mom, it’s a pretend wedding. J-Lo has them all the time.”—Lorelai Gilmore [played by Lauren Graham], reassuring Emily (nervous about renewing her marriage vows), in Gilmore Girls, Season 5, Episode 13, “Wedding Bell Blues,” original air date Feb 8, 2005, written and directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino

It’s amazing how some sitcoms just feel really dated, while the jokes in others have a habit of coming around again. Jennifer Lopez is the gift that keeps on giving.

When the episode from which this joke was taken first aired, Facebook had only gone public within the past year and was still unknown to many members of the public. Alexa, Netflix “streaming,” “Grubhub,” TikTok, Instagram were not around at all.

But audiences then and now would nod approvingly and chuckle at “J-Lo.” The year before Lorelai Gilmore tried to cheer up her mom by invoking her name, the actress-singer had broken off her engagement up with Ben Affleck.

Recently, you may have heard, “Bennifer” reunited and married. It’s hard not to escape the suspicion that she wed the Oscar-winning actor-writer-director-producer on the rebound from her broken engagement to former baseball slugger Alex Rodriguez.

In case you’re not keeping count, this is J-Lo’s fourth marriage. She’s also been engaged six times. Don't ever try to keep track of the men she's been with in between.

No wonder she confessed eight years ago to being a "love addict."

Many economists tell us that a recession is around the corner. But, as long as Ms. Lopez is around, it’ll always be full employment for entertainment reporters working the celebrity matrimonial beat.

Movie Quote of the Day (‘Tin Men,’ With a Couple’s Disagreement About Picnics)

Nora Tilley [played by Barbara Hershey]: “If we went on a picnic, it would be fun.”
 
Ernest Tilley [played by Danny DeVito]: “I don't understand a picnic. We go someplace, we put a thing on the ground and eat.”
 
Nora: “Yeah, it's nice to do that.”
 
Ernest: “Why? I don't get it. It's better sittin' in front of the TV.”
 
Nora: “I happen to think there's somethin' nice about a picnic. It's fun.”
 
Ernest: “What's fun about it? Ants get in the food—there's bees. I don't get it. You have to drive—it takes you maybe an hour to get there. And then whataya do? You sit on the grass and eat. Why is that fun?”— Tin Men (1987), written and directed by Barry Levinson
 
This section of Barry Levinson’s screenplay is not as famous—and certainly not as raunchy—as the priceless dialogue on how Ben Cartwright came to be a father (through three different wives) on Bonanza.
 
But I think it’s just as uproarious while setting up a crucial element of the story: Nora’s sense of isolation from her husband, which makes her unexpectedly easy prey for Ernest’s nemesis, rival aluminum-siding salesman Bill "B.B." Babowsky (played by Richard Dreyfuss).

Quote of the Day (Lord Byron, on Love and Marriage)

“’Tis melancholy, and a fearful sign
Of human frailty, folly, also crime,
That love and marriage rarely can combine,
Although they both are born in the same clime;
Marriage from love, like vinegar from wine—
A sad, sour, sober beverage — by time
Is sharpen’d from its high celestial flavor
Down to a very homely household savour.” — English Romantic poet George Gordon, Lord Byron (1788-1824), Don Juan (1819-1823)
 
In the most popular month for weddings, it really does go against the grain to post such a cynical view of marriage. And these verses were written by a man spectacularly unfit for this institution—a walking advertisement for scandal who was once famously described by a future lover, Lady Caroline Lamb, as “mad, bad and dangerous to know.”
 
No matter. Whatever interest might derive from the romantic escapades of Lord Byron, that curiosity would likely fade if these adventures were ranked next to those of history’s other great lotharios. 
 
There’s a far better, more lasting reason to be fascinated by this poet: his work. And nothing in the rest of his career can quite prepare you for his great, rollicking, mock-epic of the last stage of his short life, Don Juan. 

Erect whatever defenses you want against Byron's irreverence, but by the time you finish stanzas such as this, it seems to me impossible not to put this poem down without one’s sides shaking with laughter.
 
(For an interesting blog post on the satirical knock-offs inspired by this poem—which itself was a satirical knock-off—see this post, centered around the work of early 19th-century editor-publisher William Hone, from nine years ago.)

TV Quote of the Day (‘M*A-S-H,' on Marriage and Divorce)

Major Franklin Marion Burns [played by Larry Linville] [to Margaret Houlihan]: “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” —M*A*S*H, Season 3, Episode 16, “Bulletin Board,” original air date Jan. 14, 1975, teleplay by Larry Gelbart and Simon Muntner, directed by Alan Alda

Quote of the Day (Moliere, on How Women Can ‘Run Rings Around the Cleverest Man’)

“Yes, all these stern precautions are inhuman.
Are we in Turkey, where they lock up women?
 It's said that females there are slaves or worse,
And that's why Turks are under Heaven's curse.
Our honor, sir, is truly very frail
If we, to keep it, must be kept in jail.
But do you think that such severities
Bar us, in fact, from doing what we please,
Or that, when we're dead set upon some plan,
We can't run rings around the cleverest man?
All these constraints are vain and ludicrous:
The best course, always, is to trust in us.
It's dangerous, Sir, to underrate our gender.
Our honor likes to be its own defender.
It almost gives us a desire to sin
When men mount guard on us and lock us in,
And if my husband were so prone to doubt me,
I just might justify his fears about me.”—French playwright and satirist Moliere (1622-1673), The School for Husbands (1661), translated by Richard Wilbur (1992)

Tweet of the Day (Kent Graham, on His Wife’s Pancakes)

“My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn't. Then she was. Then wasn't. Then was. Now it looks like she's just waffling.”—Kent W. Graham, tweet of Sept. 4, 2014

Joke of the Day (Rodney Dangerfield, With an Early Form of Social Distancing)

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”—American stand-up comic Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004), quoted in Gene Perret with Terry Martin, Hilarious Roasts, Toasts and One-Liners: The Ultimate Source for Speeches, Toasts, Parties or Anytime for Pure Fun (2001)

Quote of the Day (Jean Shepherd, on Real-Life vs. Theatrical Marital Strife)

“Real-life man and wife, mother and father battles rarely even remotely resemble the Theatrical or Fictional version of the Struggle between the Sexes. Homes have been wracked by strife and dissension because of a basic difference of opinion over where to go on a vacation, or what kind of car to buy, or a toaster that made funny noises, or a sister-in-law’s false teeth, not to mention who is going to take out the garbage. And why.

“In all my experience I have never known homes that had the kind of fights that appear in plays by Edward Albee and Tennessee Williams. It would never have occurred to my father to bellow dramatically in the living room, after twenty-seven Scotches: ‘You bitch! You’re not going to emasculate me!’

“The Old Man would not have even known what the word ‘emasculate’ meant, much less figure that that’s what my mother was up to.”—American humorist, radio and TV personality, and writer and actor Jean Shepherd (1921-1999), “My Old Man and the Lascivious Special Award That Heralded the Birth of Pop Art,” in In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash (1966)