Movie Quote of the Day (‘A Christmas Story,’ on How Ralphie’s Old Man Was Like the Old Masters of Painting)

Ralphie [narrating, as an adult] [voice of Jean Shepherd]: “My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oil or clay. It was his true medium: a master.”—A Christmas Story (1983), screenplay by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown and Bob Clark, based on Shepherd’s In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash, directed by Bob Clark

Quote of the Day (Jean Shepherd, on Real-Life vs. Theatrical Marital Strife)

“Real-life man and wife, mother and father battles rarely even remotely resemble the Theatrical or Fictional version of the Struggle between the Sexes. Homes have been wracked by strife and dissension because of a basic difference of opinion over where to go on a vacation, or what kind of car to buy, or a toaster that made funny noises, or a sister-in-law’s false teeth, not to mention who is going to take out the garbage. And why.

“In all my experience I have never known homes that had the kind of fights that appear in plays by Edward Albee and Tennessee Williams. It would never have occurred to my father to bellow dramatically in the living room, after twenty-seven Scotches: ‘You bitch! You’re not going to emasculate me!’

“The Old Man would not have even known what the word ‘emasculate’ meant, much less figure that that’s what my mother was up to.”—American humorist, radio and TV personality, and writer and actor Jean Shepherd (1921-1999), “My Old Man and the Lascivious Special Award That Heralded the Birth of Pop Art,” in In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash (1966)

Movie Quote of the Day (‘A Christmas Story,’ After the Turkey Disaster)

Narrator (Ralphie as an adult): [voice of Jean Shepherd] [After the Christmas turkey is stolen by the neighbors' dogs] “The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!”— A Christmas Story (1983), screenplay by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, and Bob Clark, based on Shepherd’s novel In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash, directed by Bob Clark

Movie Quote of the Day (‘A Christmas Story,’ on ‘The Most Unthinkable Disasters’ at Yuletide)

“Ah, life is like that. Sometimes at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.”—Narrator (voice of Jean Shepherd), A Christmas Story, screenplay by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown and Bob Clark, directed by Bob Clark (1983)

Sam Kashner’s recent Vanity Fair article on the making of A Christmas Story reminded me of this hilarious scene that sometimes gets lost amid the more famous sequences most listeners fondly about (e.g., Flick getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole).  Jean Shepherd’s droll lines above occur as The Old Man is sitting down to read the comics, blissfully unaware of the dogs trooping past who are about to devour his family’s dinner.

Movie Quote of the Day (‘A Christmas Story,’ With the Dreaded ‘Triple-Dog-Dare’)

Flick (played by Scott Schwartz):” Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!”

Schwartz (played by R.D. Robb): “That's 'cause you know it'll stick!”

Flick: “You're full of it!”

Schwartz: “Oh yeah?”

Flick: “Yeah!”

Schwartz: “Well I double-DOG-dare ya!”

Ralphie as Adult: [voice of Jean Shepherd, narrating] “NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a ‘triple dare you’? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.”

Schwartz: “I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!”

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] “Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!”— A Christmas Story (1983), screenplay by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown and Bob Clark, based on Shepherd’s novel In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash, directed by Bob Clark

Holiday Fashion Disaster

Hey there, Ralphie Boy! I’m afraid your age would cut you no slack with Joan Rivers, who would not hesitate to brand you a “holiday fashion disaster.”

Don’t feel bad that, for about the 10 millionth or so time this holiday season, people like me will be gathered in front of our TV sets to watch that costume that your mom (if nobody else) regards as simply adorable in A Christmas Story.  It could be worse.

You could, like your friend Flick, get your tongue stuck to a frozen flagpole by accepting Schwartz’s “triple-dog dare.” That scene is not only commemorated on film, but even—compounding the infamy—in holiday cards I saw recently.

All this is just more proof of the enduring humor and charm of Jean Shepherd’s tales of growing up and the 1983 film derived from it. “We look at the world once, in childhood,” notes poet Louise Gluck.  “The rest is memory.”