Joke of the Day (Brian Kiley, on His Dad’s Cotton Allergy)

“My dad’s allergic to cotton. He has some pills for it, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.”—Stand-up comic Brian Kiley quoted by Melonie Magruder, “Comedy Review,” The Los Angeles Times, Nov. 4, 2009

Too bad pill bottles aren't this big!

Joke of the Day (George Carlin, on Talking to Himself)

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” — American stand-up comic and actor George Carlin (1937-2008), A Modern Man: The Best of George Carlin (2021)

Joke of the Day (Rita Rudner, on Prime Male Candidates for Marriage)

“Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage—they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”—American stand-up comic Rita Rudner quoted by Lawrence Christon, in “Comedy Review: Rita Rudner Is Svelte, Pretty, Original American Princess,” Los Angeles Times, Feb. 5, 1988

TV Quote of the Day (Mitch Hedberg, on Turtlenecks)

“I hate turtlenecks, man. A turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy… All day.”—Stand-up comic Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005), appearance on Late Show With David Letterman, original air date Mar. 7, 1997

Joke of the Day (Wendy Liebman, on Dating a Doctor)

“I dated a doctor once. Ear, nose, throat and ankle. I didn’t know how to break up with him, so I just ate an apple a day.” —Stand-up comic Wendy Liebman quoted by Melonie Magruder, “Comedy Review,” The Los Angeles Times, Nov. 4, 2009

TV Quote of the Day (Nikki Glaser, on the Location of Your Soulmate)

“Your soulmate, statistically, is in China. That’s where your soulmate is, and that’s where they’ll die. The closest you’ll get is maybe your soulmate touched your phone on an assembly line, but that’s the closest where your stars will ever cross. Maybe he stitched your mom’s blouse when he was in third grade.”—Stand-up comic Nikki Glaser, Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die,” original air date May 11, 2024, teleplay by Nikki Glaser, directed by Hamish Hamilton

The image accompanying this post, showing Nikki Glaser on “The Blocks” podcast, was taken Dec. 22, 2022, by Neal Brennan.

TV Quote of the Day (Kevin Hart, Imagining a Medical Procedure That Makes Him Tall)

“I'm 6'6"….Now I can't put my hands in my pocket… I still wear a size 7 sneaker….Now I can't support the new body. My balance is off. I look like that thing that be at the car dealerships, that man... that air man.”—Stand-up comic, actor, and entertainment entrepreneur Kevin Hart, in Kevin Hart: Reality Check (2023), teleplay by Kevin Hart, directed by Leslie Small

The image accompanying this post, showing Kevin Hart at the red carpet premiere of Ride Along, was taken Mar. 6, 2014, by Eva Rinaldi.

Quote of the Day (Richard Lewis, on Childhood Memories of Palisades Amusement Park)

“In Brooklyn, where I was born, they had Coney Island. But in Englewood, where I lived from before I was a year old, we didn’t need Coney Island, because we had Palisades Amusement Park. When I got to be about 10 years old, I would walk down the hill from my house and take the bus to Cliffside Park that would stop right in front of the amusement park. I must have done that hundreds of times in my childhood. The roller coaster was my favorite. That and the Wild Mouse. I would go on them over and over and over. It didn’t matter that I was nauseated for, like, 30 days. I was under the spell.”—Stand-up comedian and actor Richard Lewis (1947-2024), as told to Eric Levin, “Richard Lewis: Safe at Home,” New Jersey Monthly, Nov. 15, 2010

I have to tell you right now that over the years, despite his prominence as an entertainer (it’s not every one whose obituary runs on the front page of The New York Times), I had followed Richard Lewis only minimally.

Yes, I knew he was from Bergen County and had even graduated from public school in my hometown of Englewood, NJ. But I had never caught his act, in person or on TV, and only knew, in the most general way, about the neuroses that fed his art.

Then, several months ago, I read that he was suffering from Parkinson’s Disease. As my late mother had also been afflicted with this, I knew what he must be experiencing, and my heart went out to him.

Then, earlier this week—as much out of the need for laughs as curiosity—I rented from my local library Curb Your Enthusiasm, and was delighted to watch Lewis act as a foil to longtime friend Larry David.

Then came the news that he had passed away on Tuesday.  

Since then, I have been reading about his memories of growing up in Bergen County—not just the kind of idyllic memory of Palisades Amusement Park that fellow baby boomers have had, but also of seeing on his street Mickey Mantle (still in his Yankee days, and none too pleased about encountering a kid with a Brooklyn Dodgers shirt!), or coming back to his hometown for a stand-up appearance in 1989. 

(These and other rueful reminiscences can be found here.)

Lewis might have moved out to the West Coast years ago, but you couldn’t take the Jersey boy out of him. Maybe that was an indelible part of the guy who Anything But Love co-star Jamie Lee Curtis hailed as “a sweet and funny man.”

(The image accompanying this post was taken of Lewis on Sept. 26, 2013, by Joeyjojo86.)

Joke of the Day (Demetri Martin, on Why ‘Swimming is a Confusing Sport’)

“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is.”—Stand-up comic Demetri Martin in Comedy Central Presents: Demetri Martin, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date Mar 19, 2004, written by Demetri Martin, directed by Paul Miller

I chose this quote for two reasons: 1) With Memorial Day coming up, pools are opening and swimming will be, for many people, “a confusing sport” again; and 2) today is Demetri Martin’s birthday.

Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on How He Reminisces)

“I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.”—Stand-up comic Steven Wright quoted by Jason Zinoman, “Deadpan Humor Ripens Into a Novel,” The New York Times, May 17, 2023

Joke of the Day (Comic Demetri Martin, on a Silly Phrase)

“'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. ‘Sort of.’ It's just a filler. ‘Sort of’ —it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, ‘sort of’means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'” —American stand-up comic Demetri Martin on Comedy Central Presents, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date Mar. 19, 2004, written and directed by Demetri Martin

Joke of the Day (Colin Quinn, on the Decline of Small Talk)

“Between phones, AirPods and self-checkout, small talk is down 87%.”—Stand-up comic Colin Quinn, Small Talk, quoted by Joe Dziemianowicz, “'Colin Quinn: Small Talk' Review — Fast-Paced Comedy Show is All Talk, Little Substance,” New York Theatre Guide, Jan. 23, 2023

The image accompanying this post of Colin Quinn was taken in June 2010 by thefallofitall.

Quote of the Day (Robert Klein, on Halftime Shows, Marching Bands, and Mayonnaise)

“Halftime shows [of football games] really stink. They start psyching you up for the halftime about a half-hour before the halftime, so you won’t switch to the other league. [Mimicking voice of announcer] ‘What do we have here for them, Bill, at halftime?’ ‘The Phillips High School Marching Band, Ralph. They’re state champs, as you remember.’ [Imitates sound of viewer snoring.] They work so hard, the kids! Really. And what happens? ‘Come on, Frank. Let’s get a couple of hot dogs and take a leak! Come on!’ There are very few people who really care. One goes, ‘Not me. I’m not going to miss this halftime show! They’re the high school marching band—state champs!’ They always pay tribute to something, a salute. ‘And now [echo], under the direction of Jay Carlton Blanton [echo], the Phillips High School Marching Band [echo] will pay a tribute ... to mayonnaise!’ They form a gigantic mayonnaise jar on the field. One kid missed practice, doesn't know where to go with the trombone. He's running around like a chicken without a head. From the stands it looks like a fly in the mayonnaise jar. And they announce it: ‘There's a fly in the mayonnaise jar! Very clever...’"—American stand-up comic and actor Robert Klein, Child of the 50's LP (1973)

I was lucky enough to see Robert Klein at the Dr. Central Park Music Festival in late July 1977. He had the ability to make the crowd starting at the Wollman Ice Skating Rink and sprawling out to the surrounding rocks feel like a small, intimate room. To use the term of the stand-up profession, he killed.

The Bronx-born comedian, who appeared numerous times on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and in HBO’s first comedy special back in 1975, influenced a host of subsequent comedians with his observational humor, including Jay Leno, Richard Lewis, and Jerry Seinfeld. Remarkably, even routines like the above, dating back nearly 50 years, have aged little or nothing.

TV Quote of the Day (Demetri Martin, on How Bumper Stickers Are a Shortcut)

“A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'” —American stand-up comic Demetri Martin on Comedy Central Presents, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date Mar. 19, 2004, written and directed by Demetri Martin

Joke of the Day (Comic Steven Wright, on Why He Needs His Own Baby Monitor)

“I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.” — Stand-up comic Steven Wright quoted in Peter Keepnews, “A Strange Career Takes an Odd Turn,” The New York Times, Feb. 10, 2008

Quote of the Day (Bob Newhart, on a Psychic Incompetent at Her Job)

“I was in New York to do Letterman and I got in the town car and was taking it from the airport. Coming up Sixth Avenue, I look up at a window and there’s this sign that says, ‘Psychic,’ and there’s a made-up sign that says, ‘Lost our lease.’ Now, if you’re a true psychic, you know you’re going to lose your lease. I questioned how good a psychic she was.”—Actor and stand-up comic Bob Newhart quoted in Jim Sullivan, “As Long As He's Able, Comedian Bob Newhart Says It's His 'Obligation'To Do Stand-Up,” www.wbur.org (Boston’s NPR news station), Nov. 3, 2016

This photograph of Bob Newhart, Flickr: Comedian Bob Newhart, was taken Nov. 5, 2004, by Jim Wallace (Smithsonian Institution)

Joke of the Day (Bonnie McFarlane, on Her Daughter)

“I have a daughter. She's my world, she's my everything.” [Pause] “She's 5, or 12, or something like that.” —Stand-up comic Bonnie McFarlane quoted in “The Stand-Up Comic,” The New York Times Magazine, June 2, 2019

Joke of the Day (Amy Schumer, on Her Scary Feeling of Being Brave)

“So, I tweet out this photo of myself. I’m holding coffee. I’m topless in just underwear, and it goes viral. It was everywhere, every news show, every website, and that’s when I learned the word you don’t want people to use when a nude photo of you goes viral: ‘Brave.’”—Stand-up comic Amy Schumer, ‘The Leather Special,” June 20, 2017

(Amy Schumer at 2015 SXSW on March 16, 2015, by Anna Hanks)