Joke of the Day (Demetri Martin, on Why ‘Swimming is a Confusing Sport’)

“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is.”—Stand-up comic Demetri Martin in Comedy Central Presents: Demetri Martin, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date Mar 19, 2004, written by Demetri Martin, directed by Paul Miller

I chose this quote for two reasons: 1) With Memorial Day coming up, pools are opening and swimming will be, for many people, “a confusing sport” again; and 2) today is Demetri Martin’s birthday.

Joke of the Day (Comic Demetri Martin, on a Silly Phrase)

“'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. ‘Sort of.’ It's just a filler. ‘Sort of’ —it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, ‘sort of’means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'” —American stand-up comic Demetri Martin on Comedy Central Presents, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date Mar. 19, 2004, written and directed by Demetri Martin

TV Quote of the Day (Demetri Martin, on How Bumper Stickers Are a Shortcut)

“A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'” —American stand-up comic Demetri Martin on Comedy Central Presents, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date Mar. 19, 2004, written and directed by Demetri Martin

TV Quote of the Day (Demetri Martin, With a Brief Intellectual History of the Word ‘Dude’)

“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'”—American stand-up comic Demetri Martin on Comedy Central Presents, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date Mar. 19, 2004, written and directed by Demetri Martin

Quote of the Day (Demetri Martin, on Why ‘Swimming is a Confusing Sport’)

“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.” —Stand-up comic Demetri Martin, in “Demetri Martin,” Comedy Central Presents, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date March 19, 2004

Quote of the Day (Comic Demetri Martin, on Judging Others)

“Don't be so quick to judge others. Take your time and really get into it.” —Stand-up comic Demetri Martin, Oct. 28, 2014 tweet