TV Quote of the Day (‘Big Bang Theory,’ on The One Place Sheldon Feels at Home)

Raj [played by Kunal Nayyar] [leading Sheldon through guided Indian meditation]: “All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that?”

Sheldon [played by Jim Parsons]: “Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.”

Raj: “Okay, you’re in Sheldonopolis.”

Sheldon: “Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?”

Raj: “Whatever you like.”

Sheldon: “I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.”

Raj [exasperated]: “Fine. You’re in Sheldon Square.”

Sheldon: “Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.”

Raj: ‘Then, put on a sweater.”

Sheldon: “Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.”

Raj: “Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.”

Sheldon: “You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.”

Raj: “You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!”

Sheldon: “Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.”

Raj: “All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square.”

Sheldon: Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it.” [stops] “Oh, no!”

Raj: “What now?”

Sheldon: “A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror!”—The Big Bang Theory, Season 3, Episode 18, “The Pants Alternative,” original air date Mar. 22, 2010, teleplay by Eric Kaplan, Richard Rosenstock, and Jim Reynolds, directed by Mark Cendrowski  

TV Quote of the Day (‘30 Rock,’ on the Relative Merits of Therapy and the ‘Mind Vise’)

“I believe that, when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest or your tailor or the mute elevator porter at your men's club. Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise. But for lesser beings, like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.”—Jack Donaghy [played by Alec Baldwin] to Liz Lemon [played by Tina Fey] in 30 Rock, “Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish,” Season 5, Episode 9, Dec. 2, 2010, teleplay by Kay Cannon, directed by Ken Whittingham

TV Quote of the Day (‘Frasier,’ on His Youthful ‘Rug of Love’)

[Dr. Frasier Crane storms in with a copy of "Slow Tango in South Seattle."]

Frasier [played by Kelsey Grammer]: “I can't believe this!  I simply can't believe this!”

Martin Crane [played by John Mahoney]: “What are you bappin' about?”

Frasier: “This, this book!  It's written by a man I knew.  He's taken an incident from my own life, something I shared with him in confidence one night; he's turned it into this trash!"

Daphne Moon [played by Jane Leeves] [notices]: " ‘Slow Tango’? Well, I just started reading that. You mean to tell me that young man is based on you, Dr. Crane?”

Frasier: “Yes, he is.  But did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements.”

Martin: “What's it about anyway?”

Frasier: “That is not important.”

Daphne: “It's about his first time.”

Frasier [sarcastically]: “Thank you, Daphne.”

Niles Crane [played by David Hyde-Pierce]: [innocent] “Your first time doing what?”

Frasier: [sarcastically again] “Changing a flat tire!"

Niles: [realizes]: “Oh!”

Martin [chuckling]: “So this whole book is about the night you conceived Frederick.”

Frasier: “Very funny, dad.  I'll have you know that wasn't my first time.”

Martin: “Hey, I'm happy to know it wasn't your only time!”

Niles: “Just who was this charitable lass?”

Frasier: “That is not important!”

Daphne: “His piano teacher.”

Martin [startled.sitting up]: “His piano teacher?”

Frasier: “Thank you again, Daphne!”

Daphne: “It's not like it's a secret, it's all right there in black and white.  About your awkward ‘teenage lunging’ and how you used to call your chest hair your ‘Rug of Love.’"—Frasier, Season 2, Episode 1, “Slow Tango in South Seattle,” original air date Sept. 20, 1994, teleplay by Martin Weiss, directed by James Burrows

TV Quote of the Day (‘Frasier,’ Demonstrating the Ironic Impact of Sleep Deprivation)

[Much to his disgruntlement, Seattle’s favorite radio psychologist and advice dispenser, Dr. Frasier Cranier, has been scheduled beyond midnight by a new station program director. After gamely trying to subsist on acres of coffee, he and his assistant Roz have both fallen fast asleep in their chairs.  Suddenly, a caller names Phyllis is on the line.]

Phyllis [voice of Carrie Fisher] “People think insomnia is a laughing matter, but it's hell.  If I don't get some sleep soon, I'll just—I'll go crazy!  You've got to help me, Dr. Crane?  Dr. Crane?  Hey, I'm talking here!”

[Frasier and Roz wake up with a start.]

Frasier [played by Kelsey Grammer] (frightened at first before going into his customary greeting): “What?!  I'm listening.”

Phyllis: “So what do you think I should do?”

[Frasier looks helplessly at Roz, who can only shrug. He decides to wing it.]

Frasier: “Well, you know, sometimes these things seem clearer in the light of day.  My advice is to sleep on it.”

Phyllis: “Is that some kind of a joke?!  To make fun of the insomniac?!”

Frasier: “Oh, no…”

[She hangs up.  Frasier sighs.  Roz signals him to go to a commercial.]

Frasier: “Oh, oh, and now for a word from, um, uh, ah [shuffles some papers on his console] I forget, I think they sell paint.”—Frasier, Season 3, Episode 1, “She's The Boss,” original air date Sept. 19, 1995, teleplay by Chuck Ranberg and Anne Flett-Giordano, directed by Philip Charles Mackenzie