“Honestly, I really didn't know that I could make a baby. So the fact that I can reproduce is very scary.”-- Nicole Polizzi (better known as “Snooki” of Jersey Shore to you and me), revealing her astonishment at being pregnant on her new show, Snooki and JWoww vs. The World, quoted in Iona Kirby, “Snooki and JWoww Are Up to Their Old Tricks in First Trailer for Their New Spin-off Show,” The Daily Mail, April 26, 2012
Correction, Snooki: The fact that you could go through middle and high school—including mandatory sex education—and not realize that you “could make a baby” is scary. The fact that you are about to unleash a young Snooki on the world that will carry your genes is scary.
The fact that you could conceivably bear multiple children is the stuff of horror films. As for the fact that millions of people are still watching your escapades (albeit on a new show with friend JWoww), and that an institute of higher learning (Rutgers) invited you to speak at its graduation—well, all that fresh evidence of American fecklessness is more than my mind can contemplate.