Clarence V. Marshall [played
by Richard Stahl]: “Now, according to our witnesses...”
Solomon Rabinowitz [played
by Salem Ludwig]: “Witnesses? You said nothing to me about witnesses, Mr. Bunker.”
Archie Bunker [played by Carroll
O’Connor]:
“Oh, the kids, the kids, y'know.”
Rabinowitz: “Oh, yes, the little children in the playground.
Hardly admissible.”
Marshall: “Yes, but I'm referring to a station wagon filled
with nuns.”
Rabinowitz: “Your witnesses?”
Marshall: “A station wagon filled with nuns.”
[Archie’s
face collapses.]
Marshall: “Now, according to them, you were coming out of
the parking lot when it happened. Now, do you recall in what direction you were
traveling?”
Rabinowitz: “His vehicle was headed north, I believe.”
Marshall: “Yes, but he was traveling south.”
Archie: “Well, I was backing up. Now, what difference could
that make?”
Marshall [smiling]: “Well, if you were backing up, you were going the
wrong way in a one-way alley.”
Archie [looking helplessly up at Rabinowitz]: “Well, I must have been
going forward.”
Marshall: “Not according to our witnesses.”
Rabinowitz [dourly]: “A station wagon filled with nuns.”
Marshall [reading from statement]: “Yes, Sister Maria
Yolanda, Sister Catherine, Sister Jeremy, Sister Rosemary, Sister…”
Archie: “All right, all right, all right! Everybody knows they go around in a
mob.” [Looks to door, where Rabinowitz is getting his coat.] “Hey, Mr. Rabinowitz,
where you goin’? Hey, don’t leave, Mr. Rabinowitz. Listen, don’t be a-scared of
this guy. I mean, alongside of you, he’s like a green kid. I mean, you’re a
mensch! Get after him!”
Rabinowitz: “There’s an old, old rule of law, Mr. Bunker. They say it dates back before the turn of the century: In a court of law, you can’t beat a station wagon filled with nuns.” —All in the Family, Season 1, Episode 3, “Archie’s Aching Back,” original air date Jan 26, 1971, teleplay by Norman Lear, Stanley Ralph Ross, and Johnny Speight, directed by John Rich
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