Quote of the Day (Chelsea Handler & Co., on New Jersey)

“[Chelsea Handler’s] nine writers shout out ideas, mostly over one another. ‘Write that down,’ Ms. Handler says, without looking up, to a joke that involves describing New Jersey as ‘New York’s chunky younger sister.’”—Brooks Barnes, “I’m Chelsea Handler, And You’re Not,” The New York Times, April 11, 2010

Chelsea, Chelsea, we gotta talk!

Ever since I started watching Chelsea Lately on the E! Channel several weeks ago, I’ve chuckled at your act. Nearly 30 years ago, Marshall Crenshaw sang that he was “looking for a cynical girl.” With your fast mouth, you might be what he had in mind.

I also have to say that your impromptu banter appeals to the Irish wiseguy in me, whether you’re feeding inexplicable teen pop sensation Justin Bieber the opportunity to explain his strategy for picking up older women (Beyonce--that's aiming pretty high—twice his age and size, and at least twenty times his current net worth!), or ranking on Larry King—right on his own show! —for wearing red suspenders.

(“What’s wrong with them?” the CNN talkmeister said, so alarmed I was afraid he’d have another heart attack. It couldn’t have helped that you speculated aloud, concerning the Tiger Woods and Jesse James scandals, that "Cheating is something going around"—only days before the rumor broke into the open that the 76-year-old King was allegedly tomcatting around with his wife’s sister. It sounded as if he were peeved enough to hope you you’d walk off his show— like that ditzy dethroned Miss California, Carrie Prejean, threatened to do—even though he’d booked you for a full hour to hawk your new book. Maybe that was why he asked if you were good in bed. That, or he was planning ahead for you to become Wife #9, or #10, or whatever it’s up to right now.)

But Chelsea, your acceptance of the one-liner from your staffer—well, it was ill-advised, even—I hate to say it—ignorant.

Oh, I get the metaphorical import of the one-liner, of course—it’s about New Jersey’s inferiority complex, about feeling unloved and slighted.

But as head of your show, you’re supposed to edit and improve staff-generated jokes before you go on the air. You could have made the same point while being truer to reality. In this case, I’m afraid you fell down on the job.

Your sister tells the Times Brooks Barnes that in school, you were “always able to tell some elaborate tale to get out of homework.” One of these uncompleted homework assignments must have involved geography.

That’s the only conclusion I can draw when reading how New Jersey is supposed to be “chunky.” Have you ever looked at an atlas, Chelsea? Have you ever driven across New Jersey and New York? More specifically, have you compared the size of the two states?

Allow me to enlighten you on New Jersey (even though you grew up in Livingston and should know this already):

The total area of New Jersey is approximately 7,800 sq mi (20,200 sq km), only 46th in size among the 50 states; in contrast, the Empire State’s total area is 49,108 sq mi (127,190 sq km)—more than six times as large.

In other words, New Jersey is the exact opposite of what you and your unnamed staffer believe: instead of the Empire State’s “chunky younger sister,” the Garden State is New York’s acne-pocked (think of those oil refineries as pimples), near-sighted (anyone pulling late at night for coffee into those rest stops named after famous citizens of the state is, by definition, bleary-eyed), and—given the size dimensions just outlined—scrawny kid sister.

I’m afraid you and your staffer need Remedial Geography, Chelsea. Your first assignment: using a ruler, estimate the number of miles between Livingston and the Lincoln Tunnel.