Movie Quote of the Day (“It Happened One Night”)

“Just goes to show you—20 millions, and you don’t know how to dunk.”—Journalist Peter Warne (played by Clark Gable) to madcap heiress Ellie Andrews (played by Claudette Colbert), reproving her for inadequate doughnut-dunking skill, in It Happened One Night (1934), directed by Frank Capra

(I was reminded of this terrifically pungent line—and the brilliant screwball farce from which it was taken—in JoAnn Anderson’s fine article on the decline of the romantic comedy this past Friday in The Wall Street Journal. My only problem with the article is this: It identifies plenty of actors from films, including this one, but names not a single one of the screenwriters involved in the projects. It inadvertently reinforces the notion, once again, that actors say all the lines from their films spontaneously, sort of from the brow of Zeus.

Actually, speaking of Zeus, when most actors think they’ve added something immortal to a film, it’s usually along the lines of the contribution that Nicolas Cage has bragged about making to The Rock. You know the line I’m talking about, don’t you? This past weekend, my nephew Sean and I laughed ourselves silly recalling it in all its awful glory: “How in Zeus’ butthole did you get out of your cell?” I mean, really—do you know of anyone who talks like this?

When they improvise, most actors think they’re going to come up with great speeches like Orson Welles’ comparison of the corrupt Italian Renaissance nation-states to Switzerland, the creator of clocks, in The Third Man. More often than not, however, they produce a line like the one that has won Cage deserved ignominy.

Here’s my modest proposal: Any time a star comes up with a line that ends up on even one of those “Worst Lines of All Time” lists, he or she has to forfeit $1 million upfront as well as 5% of the gross. Let’s see if they monkey with their scripts then.

Oh, and by the way: the screenplay for It Happened One Night was written by Robert Riskin, based on a short story by Samuel Hopkins Adams. All credit where credit is due. I have only one quibble with the line: If I'd learned to dunk--not a doughnut, but a basketball--I might have won $20 million by now!)