Quote of the Day (John Heisman, on a Grave Football Sin)

“What is this?  It is a prolate spheroid, an elongated sphere in which the outer leather casing is drawn tightly over a somewhat smaller rubber tubing.  Better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football."—American football coach, writer, and actor John Heisman (1869-1936), in his annual preseason speech to his squads, quoted by Samuel T. Pees, “John Heisman, Football Coach,” www.OilHistory.com , 2004

After this weekend, I have concluded that pro football is proof positive that Darwin’s theory of evolution was incorrect—human beings regress rather than evolve into a higher form.

When John Heisman said that line about “a prolate spheroid” over a century ago, I wonder how many of his players knew what he was talking about?

At the start of the 1961 preseason, Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi was more direct than Heisman: “Gentlemen, this is a football."

Packers wide receiver Max McGee raised his hand and cracked, “Um, Coach, you’re going a little too fast!”

To their credit, Lombardi’s squad eventually absorbed this elementary lesson.

This past weekend, it looks like the survivors of the National Football League’s latest brutal season experienced the professional counterpart of the death that hyperbolic Coach Heisman warned about.

In the latest round of the playoffs, here’s how it broke down, with fumbles counted along with interceptions (which, perhaps, Heisman didn’t worry much at the start of his career, before the widespread adoption of the forward pass) and the winners in each contest listed second:

AFC:

Buffalo Bills: 5 fumbles, 2 interceptions; Denver Broncos: 1 fumble, 1 interception

Houston Texans: 2 fumbles, 4 interceptions; New England Patriots: 4 fumbles, 1 interception

NFC:

San Francisco 49ers: 2 fumbles, 1 interception; Seattle Seahawks: 0 fumbles, 0 interceptions

Chicago Bears: 0 fumbles, 3 interceptions; Los Angeles Rams: 0 fumbles, 0 interceptions

Notice a pattern here? The team with fewer mistakes ended up winning.

The agony in Buffalo since Saturday (exacerbated by controversial officiating) made me think that more than a few people are taking Heisman’s claim—well, almost literally. 

Quarterback Josh Allen was in tears over his subpar performance, and the team’s owner decided to part ways with head coach Sean McDermott after nine seasons, perhaps on the questionable premise that his replacement can help the Bills take the Super Bowl at last.

As for that Texans-Patriots game: well, I couldn’t believe what I was watching in that first half, with the four interceptions by Texans’ quarterback C.J. Stroud.

Players, coaches, and owners may have taken all these mistakes seriously, but I’ll tell you about another group that probably has, maybe to the point of heart attacks: those who bet on the game. 

“Prop bets” are facilitating so many more varieties of gambling than before, and anybody following the pregame odds here are likely to have lost their shirts by now.