TV Quote of the Day (‘The Honeymooners,’ on ‘Poor Little Pizza’)

[Alice has just left the room, after telling Ralph he should eat the salad in the refrigerator rather than the pizza Ed Norton has brought in.]

Ed Norton [played by Art Carney]: “You want me to take the pizza upstairs—you know, sort of remove the temptation?”

Ralph Kramden [played by Jackie Gleason]: “What do you think I am, a child or something? That if anything’s in front of me, I’ve gotta eat it? Who needs it? I’ve got a salad.”  [Goes to refrigerator, takes it out, puts it in the table, while Ed plays with the pizza.] “Not a bad one, either. Everything on here is good for you. Got carrots for your eyes, got beets for your blood, lettuce for your teeth. Everything’s good. Everything’s good for something on this plate.”

Ed [picking up the pizza, laughing]: “Poor little pizza, ain’t good for nothin’. I’m telling ya, if pizzas were manhole covers, sewers would be a paradise!” [Ralph fumes as Ed bites eagerly into it, then finally bursts out with:]

Ralph: “Will ya stop waving that thing?!!!!”—The Honeymooners, Season 1, Episode 25, “Pardon My Glove,” original air date Mar. 17, 1956, teleplay by A.J. Russell and Herbert Finn, directed by Frank Satenstein