TV Quote of the Day (‘Seinfeld,’ on How ‘The Maestro’ Led Kramer Astray)

Jackie Chiles (played by Phil Morris) (furious, to client Kramer, in the back seat of a cab) “You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on!!! Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If you’re gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on!”

Kramer (played by Michael Richards): “I guess I screwed up, huh, Jackie?”

Jackie: “You’re damn right you screwed up! Where the hell did you get that damn balm, anyway?”

Kramer: “The Maestro.”

Jackie: “The who? What are you talking about, ‘Maestro’?”

Kramer: “My friend--he's a conductor.”

Jackie: “Oh oh oh--so a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it?”

Kramer: “Well, my stomach was burning.”

Jackie: “I tell you what this is: This is a public humiliation!!!”

Kramer: “Well, I didn't know the balm was gonna work.”

Jackie: “Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions?"

Kramer: “Well I ...”

Jackie (interrupting): “No one can tell what a balm's gonna do! They're unpredictable.”

Kramer: “I'm sorry, Jackie.”

Jackie (To cab driver) “Pull over here, driver, this is it!”--Seinfeld, Season 7, Episode 3: "The Maestro,” original air date October 5, 1995, teleplay by Larry David, directed by Andy Ackerman